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"I looked at him, lost in astonishment. There he was before me, in motley, as though he had absconded from a troupe of mimes, enthusiastic, fabulous. His very existence was improbable, inexplicable, and altogether bewildering. He was an insoluble problem. It was inconceivable how he had existed, how he had succeeded in getting so far, how he had managed to remain--why he did not instantly disappear."
-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness-


I'm an American! Ha ha, no, that's not ALL there is to know, but if you want to maybe toss me over a pack of cigarettes and get off your boat, we can have a real talk. That okay with you? Man, it's been a long time since we've seen anybody new around these parts. I mean... Hey, hey. You're not here to take him away or anything, right? They didn't send you... Because you can't DO that. You can do a lot of things, you can do pretty much whatever you want, but you CAN'T do that. It ISN'T right. I mean, if that's what they sent you to do...

Ha ha, I'm getting ahead of myself! That's not what you're here for! See, this is what happens when no one shows up to visit. No, you'll- You'll really love him. Hearing him, I mean. He's something, really something. Hey, where are those cigarettes? Why don't you come on down here?

See, what'd I tell you? It's not so bad once you get off the boat and take a look around. I mean, those guys, sure, they'll keep watching you for a while, but you just keep cool and get used to it and soon they figure out you aren't any threat or whatever the hell they thought, and then they just kind of ignore you. Like they don't even see you anymore. I mean, they don't really see much of anything. We're all in pretty deep here. There are... ideas. Words. Feelings, we all get these feelings, man, you can't miss them when you're here. And they all come from him. Him, and the jungle, but mostly him.

It's unreal, man. Sometimes it's like I'm... It's like I stop being real for a little while, you know what I'm saying? Ha ha, yeah, that sounds kind of, kind of funny, but it's true. It's like everything here suddenly stops being solid or stops meaning anything and all that really matters is the words and this sort of sense that nothing that we have is worth living for and we need to find something else, we need to look within ourselves and dig up this other thing, this -

He says it so much better than I could. I can't say it at all, man. I can't... I lack the comprehension. I lack the clarity. I mean, I've never had a clear head, I can understand the basics and I can organize information and I can write these little articles or stories or whatever, but that's nothing. I mean, that's not really knowledge, and knowledge is what he's got. Something else, too. Something that goes deeper than that, deeper than anything I can describe. I could try to tell you, but I'd just confused everything and I'd hate to do that. You'll see for yourself when you talk to him. You're here, you've GOT to talk to him. You'll feel renewed. It'll be like waking up to yourself, finding a part of you that you never even knew existed until now, and you won't know what to do at first but you will be BLOWN away. And that's okay. It happens to all of us, you'll figure out what to do with it. I'm still working through it, but that's just me, that's just my mind, and maybe yours will take it better. Maybe that's why you're here.

I can't give him everything he needs. He needs somebody he can... I can only listen. Someone's got to, and I WANT to - the things he's told me, man, it'll never leave my head, none of it, the things he's made me see... See, he needs someone he can talk to, or talk at, and I can do that. But I can't give back. I'm not, ah, clear enough. And sometimes it bothers me and I know it bothers him because he'd rather have someone he can, you know, communicate with, back and forth, but what can you do? I mean, we can't have, ah, miracles here. Life doesn't give us miracles. I know that.

My name? Ha. You don't need to... You don't need to know that. That's not important. I take pictures, I write about what I see, THAT'S important. That and I'm here, talking to you. I guess that means something, too.

Hey, I told you he's brilliant. The man is... The things he says. Mostly he's just talking to himself, even if he's talking to you, it's more like he's talking AT you, but it's still incredible, makes you see things you'd never have even thought of. I really wish I could- If I could say... Like, uh, Datta, dayadhvam, damyata. Shantih shantih shantih. That's, uh, that's peace. The peace which... passeth all understanding. That's what I'm talking about. Only there isn't any peace, not for him and not for any of us. Oh, sometimes we can make ourselves think we're at peace, sometimes we can- We can delude ourselves. Not him, I mean, he could never delude himself like that, but the rest of us like to hide, and we like to pretend, but that's just because we don't know what the hell we're doing, man. Not you, not me, not ANYONE... Except him. And man, he knows too damn MUCH. I don't know how he does it. It blows my mind.

I know you want to see him. He'll be back soon. Just sit tight with me, I mean, I'm glad we've got company, and if you're what he's looking for, he'll be glad, too. You won't be able to tell from the way he looks at you, but believe me, just believe me, he'll be glad. The man's been waiting for this. He knows what's coming. He knows what you're here for.

Ahhhh, hey, never mind that! Come on, get up, I'll take you around, show you the place. Just follow me and if you see anything you want to stop and look at, or if you have any questions, just say so. Just, you know, man, stick close by and don't... Don't mind the staring and the bodies and the, uh, the heads. I mean, those are just what they are, so don't worry about it. Everything'll be just fine. It's what you make of things...

Ha, yeah, all right, let's go! Wait, wait- Let me take your picture first. All right, good. Now let's go.



This is, you know, just MAYYYBE a fictional journal. I don't own the Photojournalist, don't own anything associated with Apocalypse Now or Heart of Darkness or T.S. Eliot or etc. etc. etc. So there it is.

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